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(first appeared in Encore Magazine, 1/17/91)
1 ) Walking by the neighborhood mailbox, you notice on the ground a postcard, addressed to you in your spouse's handwriting. You:
a) put it in the mailbox.
b) read it.
c) tear the stamp off for your own use and leave the card in the dirt.
2) A newspaper photo of a former First Lady sparks brief reflection. You think that Nancy Reagan is:
a) just the greatest thing to happen to California since cheap Mexican house servants.
b) just the greatest example of how the chemical combination of Aqua-Net and Quaaludes can go extremely wrong.
c ) just a story to frighten children.
3) While listening to your usual radio station, you hear the DJ say, "This next song is for [YOUR NAME HERE]," then put on Sam Cooke's "Only Sixteen." You: a) wonder how the DJ can sound so much like Sam Cooke.
b) wonder when you met Sam Cooke.
c) assume that you are suddenly too young to vote or buy beer.
4) Your daily horoscope indicates that "Good things will come from above." You immediately:
a) head for the roof of the First Union Building with a net.
b) assume the missionary position.
c) re-read the article that precedes the daily horoscopes.
5) Your phone rings, you answer, and an unfamiliar voice on the other end says, "Hello, is Vlad the Impaler there?" You:
a) tell the caller that he or she has dialed incorrectly.
b) ask them to wait while you check to see if Vlad the Impaler is there.
c) tell the caller that you would gladly check if you could just reach the
ground.
d) ask the caller how he or she learned your old college nickname.
6) Your car won't start, and you call a towing service. Upon arrival, the driver asks you what the problem is, and you tell him that your car won't turn over. He says, "Sure it will," then hooks it to his truck, does a few things with the control sticks, and flips your car onto its roof. He then saunters over and asks while unhooking his equipment, "Any other little problems I can solve for you?" You:
a) ask for his business card so that you can refer all of your friends to him.
b) hook him to his truck, do a few things with the control sticks, and fling
his shattered frame halfway to Tabor City.
c) start explaining your concerns with nuclear disarmament and UNC-
UNC-W's basketball team.
d) pretend not to notice his error to save him embarrassment and simply
give him the address to which you'd like your car delivered.
7) You take your favorite, one-of-a-kind cassette recording of the greatest band in the world, bootlegged directly from the board at some obscure show in 71, for which you've paid at least $75 out of the safe, for the first time in a decade so that a cherished friend can dub it. The friend has a 3-year-old son. Your tape is misplaced shortly after your arrival at the friend's house and later turns up in a bowl of cocoa krispies. You strangle:
a) the child
b) your friend
c) anyone who faintly resembles either the child or your friend
d) anyone
8) You're broke and hungry, you have no job, the rent is overdue, your spouse has left you for Mary Kay, Inc. and you have a hangover. You have:
a) the blues
b) insurance
c) happy feet
d) kittens
9) You go on a blind date set up by an elderly relative. You and your date go into an upscale restaurant and order. When the food arrives, your date removes a dental retainer and drops it into your water glass preparatory to eating. You:
a) return the compliment by dropping your chewing gum in your date's bread plate.
b) whisk your date's napkin out of his or her lap and drape it artfully over your water glass.
c) wait until your date has gone to the restroom, then go through her purse
to check her bank balances, the age on her driver's license, etc.
d) remove the retainer. ,from. the water glass and try it on, tossing it into a handy potted plant if it doesn't fit.
10) Two hours into an otherwise acceptable party, someone finds an old Scrabble set on a shelf and suggests playing this, the game once voted least likely to raise blood pressure. You:
a) ask if there might be a Twister set on that shelf as well.
b) ask if there might be a blunt instrument on that shelf as well.
c) ask the fun person who's suggested Scrabble if he's ever been to a party before.
d) enthusiastically agree to play, then surreptitiously remove all of the vowels from the Scrabble set just to make things more interesting.
SCORING: For every "B" circled above, give yourself three points. For every "A" circled above, give yourself two points. A "D" is worth one point, and a "C" is as worthless as a dental retainer that doesn't fit.
HOW TO RATE YOUR FINAL SCORE: A score over 20 indicates that you can adapt smoothly to all social situations, unless, of course, they involve my ex-wife. Congratulations, Kissinger! A score between 15 and 20 qualifies you to be an American ambassador to any country that owes money to the United States, and a score between 10 and 14 indicates that the federal government would probably hire you for the foreign service. A score between 3 and 9 means that you've probably been asked to leave a Wilmington city bus for rude behavior in the past 36 hours, and a score under 3 on this quiz has only been achieved by one person -- my ex-wife.