The LoveWhip Look

We get a lot of requests for fashion tips here at WOTS.  You betcha.  In response to all the droves of plaintive sartorial inquiries you’re imagining and more, here’s the straight skinny on “LoveWhip,” who used to be just that.

First, the hair.  Boys, you’ve got to trim it yourselves, and you’ve got to do it sober.  The scheme’s simple – Take off what touches your ears and brush the rest straight back.  Yes, this does lead through geometric inevitability to a point in the back, but think of it as “distinctive” and remember that doing it yourself is free. 

It can also become a satisfying nervous habit.  In just a few months, you’ll find yourself tugging a few strands while you’re driving down the highway and maybe even pulling into a rest stop and fumbling in the glove compartment for scissors.  Once again, and especially if you’re driving, do it sober.

Now the chapeau.  If it’s got a brim all the way around the crown, then it’s a hat.  If the brim’s only in front or missing entirely, then it’s a cap.  There are no such things as a “baseball hats” or “Homberg caps.” 

With hats, there is an optimal ratio to be sought between your head size and the width of your hat brim.  Too wide a brim will make an already small head look even smaller.  While I, LoveWhip, like having a small head (it makes those “back to the womb” fantasies so real) and have a hat size not too dissimilar from that used on Chihuahuas at dog shows, awareness of the brim width issue is important to us all. 

I have a friend who possesses what is arguably the largest head of any land-based mammal, and his problem is exactly the opposite of mine.  Too narrow a brim makes his head look like a fuckin’ beer keg with eyebrows, and after finding himself damn near drowning in tubs of ice when passing innocently by fraternity houses a couple of times, he started buying hats with wider and more appropriate brim widths, let me tell you.

Caps are just as effective as hats in shading the eyes, but send a more dramatic and wider range of signals, probably because they jut aggressively in only one direction.  Driving caps are jaunty, watch caps utilitarian, baseball caps … well, you know … and berets are just plain embarrassing.  Any cap worn backwards is a subtle invitation to twist the wearer’s head around to match, because there’s no excuse for that, even if the wearer is blind.  Brim width is not such a crucial issue with caps as with hats, but is still a factor to be aware of.  Try the damn thing on in the store and use the mirror well.  If you look like you’ve got some sort of mutant Jurassic creature perched on your head, do not purchase that cap(unless that is the effect you seek).

Hats and not caps are suitable for the Hat Game, in which you and your lover each write down ten character types, such as paperboy, drill sergeant, midget female wrestler, Venusian, Vedic god of mountain goats, etc. on slips of paper, then each select random slips from the hat for boudoir enactment.

Do not wear sunglasses under the cap or hat.  These items are designed to serve the same purpose, and wearing both is redundant and an obvious affectation, comparable to Justin Wilson’s trademark wearing of both a belt and suspenders.  Therefore, if you absolutely can’t stop yourself from wearing a hat or cap and sunglasses, then goddamit, go ahead and wear a belt and suspenders at the same time.  Hell, you might as well throw on a big orange wig and some floppy, oversized shoes as well, because you’re going to look like a clown no matter where you go from that initial sartorial misdirection.  More importantly, you won’t be achieving the coveted LoveWhip look for 2001. 

Finally, while it is fine to remove the brim and put on sunglasses for bandstand use, it is really not acceptable to wear either hat or cap indoors unless there are extenuating circumstances.  Some damn fool spilled the large, family-sized container of Jeri-Curl in my office elevator back in October, and the stuff’s apparently organic, because it keeps expanding on the possibilities and potentials of rankness.  Therefore, I wear my hat or cap in the office elevator to keep that smell out of my hair, unless there are ladies in the elevator with me, in which case I remove my hat to be polite and cuss them thoroughly under my breath.

Facial hair is allowed, and should be treated with the Zen-like detachment of your old childhood pal, Woolly Willie.  Experiment with it, take it off gradually or drastically, then grow it back seasonally or at whim.  There are two interesting experiments you can perform with facial hair.  First of all, as it emits subtle pheromones that olfactorily mark your territory, see who objects earliest and loudest to your new mustache and/or beard.  Those who do will be identifying themselves to you as being insecure, the first to become nervous about your new territorial assertion.  Second, you may be able to fool your paramour with facial hair.  Given time, you will behave like a real asshole.  If, the very next day, you shave off a beard, mustache and/or set of sideburns, maybe she won’t recognize you as that asshole from the night before.  This has never really worked for me, but hope springs eternal.

This brings us down to the necktie, fulcrum of LoveWhip fashion.  There are some colorblind damn fools with bad senses of humor out there designing neckties, and any store from Target to Saks will offer neckties featuring any color combination imaginable.  Once you’ve got the official statement of a real designer around your neck authorizing those colors to go together, you can bring them together yourself with shirt and trouser matches that otherwise would simply not match.  Purple and brown?  Sickening, but not when Alexander Julian does it first!  Brown and black?  An error that recurs every few years, as the tie racks in any men’s clothing shop will confirm. 

With monochromatic white shirt and black or gray trousers, the tie can be anything you haven’t spilled breakfast on.  Famous paintings, familiar food labels and the Three Stooges can all dangle beneath your Adam’s apple with aplomb.  More somber, single tones will allow you to get through the day with less guilt if your jacket is patterned in some way, but clashes between jacket and tie patterns are acceptable as there are no irreconcilable differences between them in the matter of color.

Never wear a necktie with a short sleeve shirt, unless you are an Arkansas pig farmer visiting Fort Smith for the very first time and are carrying plenty of documentation to prove it.  If it’s hot as hell and circumstances dictate that you wear a tie, it is far, far more acceptable to roll up long shirtsleeves than to wear a necktie with a short sleeve shirt. "Rolling up sleeves" is a somewhat misleading phrase for it, for the method that yields authentic "LoveWhip look" results is to fold them as many times as it takes to get them above the elbow, beginning at the line and width of the cuff before putting the shirt on.

The shirt is your own personal tent, umbrella and picture frame.  As such, it should be clean, ironed and probably a reassuring, solid color.  You can’t have enough white shirts, because you’re going to cut yourself shaving and bleed on the first one you put on once in awhile, or still be able to see that Paisano wine spill down the front even after ten minutes of furious scrubbing with Comet and an old hard bristle toothbrush.  As for degree of wear, when it’s hot as the hinges of Hell, you want a shirt that’s worn and thin.  If it isn’t stained or frayed and the collar still has enough life to be ironed, keep it and wear it.  Even if it’s so thin that strangers can tell that you’ve artfully shaped the hair on your belly into the shape of a Valentine’s heart or boar’s head, wear it.  Especially then.

Shirts featuring patterns are mainly for wear without neckties, but there are exceptions, as when the tie is a solid color that matches some shade represented on the shirt. If you button the top button and cinch the tie up tight, you will have nothing in reserve to enhance formality, so don't habitually do this.

When a shirt becomes stained or frayed, dispose of it with dignity.  Consider soaking the garment in bleach to weaken the fabric, then letting your lover rip it off of you at a suitable time.  Don’t neglect the ritual Saving of the Buttons.

There is considerable latitude in the belt.  Unfortunately, there seems to be more longitude each year, too.  In any event, have the self-control and decency to avoid extremes of width and color and polish leather belts when wearing freshly polished shoes and you’re in good shape.  Unless you are the aforementioned Arkansas pig farmer, do not wear black belts with brown trousers or brown belts with garments from the black-based spectrum.  Goddammit.

Let us not discuss suspenders.

A good crease will enhance trousers, and trousers should be solid for virtually all occasions.  For onstage wear, trousers should be dark, especially if you’re one of those musicians who has destroyed his system with strong drink for many years, because you just never know.  If the trousers are of casual cut and fabric, the frayed back of the cuff routine helps create a relaxed mood, so don’t stress over that. 

Check your socks to make sure they’re up, try to match them to at least one other garment you’re wearing, and use them as rags for furniture polishing when they’re old and holey.  Keep your feet on the floor if there are holes in your shoes and here again, don’t mix brown and black if no one’s holding a gun on you.  When the shoes themselves are absolutely beyond salvage, replace them cheaply at an online marching band supply outlet and save the laces and inner soles.

You should now be ready to run the streets with confidence and style.  Go to it, and know that we all look forward to seeing you.  Finally.