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(being a miscellany of the life, lore and writings of Old Yellow-Eyed Ned (as collected by Arthur Shuey)
NAME: Old Yellow-Eyed Ned
PLACE OF BIRTH: Wilmington, North Carolina
DATE OF BIRTH: February 29th, 1933
FATHER'S NAME: Preachin' Brown-Eyed Fred
MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME: Eyesight To The Blind
EDUCATION: Tileston School. G1 - G4
CURRENT ADDRESS: Ramblin', North Carolina
MONIKER: Robert Stephenson Smythe Baden-Powell, 1st Baron of Gilwell
PRIMARY INCOME SOURCE: Residual payments/spokesperson fees for promotional appearances/image usage on behalf of Old Yellow-Eyed Ned Wine Coolers@
KNOWN AFFILIATIONS: Blues Society of the Lower Cape Fear
OTHER NOTES: Owes back Blues Society dues for period 1958 - 1996
Occasionally claims paternity of Walter "Lightnin' Bug" Rhodes
INSTRUMENTS PLAYED: Guitar, cigar box, washboard, tanqueray, frigidaire
STYLE PREFERENCE(S): Blues, oompah, mariachi, tarantella
REPRESENTATIVE RECORDINGS: "Dog Me 'Til I Bark(Again)"
"Ned's Theme"
"BarcaLounger Boogie"
"Drunk, Dishearted and Sartorially Incorrect"
From the perspective of the blues historian, Old YellowEyed Ned's story necessarily begins at the time of his first confirmed association with the blues. While vague indications of barely postnatal blues involvement exist in the autobiographical "Ned's Theme," in which the Saffron One sings of being "born talkin' sweet talk, standin' up and on my feet," verifiable sources exist only as early as the spring of 1941, when the precocious but already jaundiced eight-year old made his first guitar from an old cigar box.
Upon learning of this seminal interest in music, Ned's minister father severely chastised the boy; not, as might be supposed, for playing blues, "the devil's music," but for ruining an otherwise perfectly good cigar box. One might be reminded by this anecdote of the famous quote attributed to another gifted musician, Arturo Toscanini, who said, "I smoked my first cigarette and kissed my first woman on the same day...I have had no time for tobacco since," but then again, probably not.
Whether or not Old YellowEyed Ned found time for tobacco after the cigar box incident, he certainly found time for the blues. By 1943, he was finding frequent gigs throughout an area bounded by Southport, Snead's Ferry and Spivey's Corner, billed on posters still extant as "the Party Dog of the Piney Woods." Hitchhiking and walking between rent parties, fish fries, lumber camp paydays and various social affairs, riding the rails just for fun when there were no trains around and he had nothing better to do, Ned in this period both refined his own approach to the blues and became acquainted with the work of other Carolina bluesmen of the period, including most prominently Greensboro's Armchair Slim, much of whose repertoire he incorporated into his own. It was during this period that the foot stomping "Do the Juicy" was written -
DO THE JUICY
Well I got a dance, I'll teach it to you / You take the first steps and then you know what to do / You do the Juicy every day / You do the Juicy every which way / You do the Juicy, you and her, them and they / Why do they say the Juicy is sinnin' any way
Startin' to sweat, gettin' down low / Can't stop to rest, you got to have more / You do the Juicy every day / You do the Julcy every which way / You do the ·Juicy, you and her, them and they / Why do they say the Juicy is sinnin' anyway
Up to the roof, down to the floor / Your partner says "Yes," the Bible says "No" / You do the Juicy every day / You do the Juicy every which way / You do the Juicy, you and her, them and they / Why do they say the Juicy is sinnin' anyway / You do the Juicy every day / You do the Juicy every which way / You do the Juicy, you and her, them And they / Why do they say the Juicy is sinnin' anyway
By 1946, in command of the Carolina blues genre as it then existed, curious about other bluee forms and eager to share in postwar prosperity, Ned left the Wilmington area in search of the legendary Gary "Lights Out" Brown, definitive folk bluesman of Central Arkansas. Within days of his arrival in Little Rock, Ned located Brown, guitar in hand, tin cup and white cane by his side, tuning on a street corner. Awestruck in the presence of his idol but rash in youthful confidence, Ned immediately asked, "Don't you think you'd have better luck tuning on a guitar?"
Despite this inauspicious beginning, Ned was able to charm himself into an apprenticeship with Lights Out Brown, watching him play, learning technique and serving as occasional sideman in return for leading him around the streets of Little Rock, West Helena and other Arkansas Delta towns. This fruitful relationship lasted until the autumn of 1949, when Ned discovered that Brown was not, nor had he ever been, blind.
Leaving in disgust, Ned followed the inevitable bluesman's migration route to Memphis to try his hand on the Beale Street circuit. Early attempts to join the casual "Beale Streeters" outdoor jams then being performed by Bobby Bland, Roscoe Gordon, B. B. King, Junior Parker, Rufus Thomas and other gifted participants gained YellowEyed Ned only derision and pelting with old shoes by his desired peers, and a period of deep depression ensued...
...But not for the resourceful Saffron One. Secure in his own talents, confident in the inherent appeal of Carolina blues, he turned his growing celebrity footwear collection to profit in memorable performances of his first hit, "Feets Don't Flail Me Now," excerpted below --
"...feets don't flail me now / I got all I'll ever need / Feet. don't flail me now / Brogans make my po' head bleed / I got one foot in the grave / I got one foot in the mud / I got one foot in Satan's doorway / I got one. foot in another man's back door / I got one foot in Canaan land / I got one foot too far South / I got one foot on the train / I got one foot still in jail / I got one foot with an evil woman / I got one foot where the gypsy said / I got one foot ragged and dirty / I got one foot broke and hungry / I got one..."
This first innovative recording brought the largely innocent YellowedEyed Ned, now sixteen and feeling his oats, sometimes publicly, to the attention of his first true love, whose name he can never seem to remember. In any event, Ned's meeting with his primal ball and chain marks an irreversible rite of passage into the world of the blues. Smitten and devoted, he penned three of his rare positive odes to the fairer sex -
I SAID IT, AND I MEAN IT
I said it, and I mean it / You can believe what I say / I said it, and I mean it / I'm gonna love you 'til my dyin' day
You must be used to rotten, lyin' men / You gotta understand that I ain't one of them / When I say, "I love you," it comes straight from my soul / I want the whole donut shop, not just one jelly roll
You ask how quick Love can strike me down / It's a mighty hard thing to take my feet off the ground / You ask how easy do I fall like I have for you / I swear before the Lawd it's a mighty hard thing to do
I said it, And I mean it / You can believe what I say / I said it, and I mean it / I'm gonna love you 'til my dyin' day
You holdin' back so far, almost out of reach / Please get closer, I got a thing to teach / Please get closer to the teacher's chalkboard / Let's do homework together, and it won't be a heavy load
I said it, and I mean it / You can believe what I say / I said it, and I mean it / I'm gonna love you 'til my dyin' day
My love don't come easy, good things never do / No reason to doubt the way I feel for you / Relax now, baby, 'cause I'm talkin' 'bout the lifetime trip / Like the man in the White House said, "Read my lips"
I said it, and I mean it / You can believe what I say / I said it, and I mean it / I'm gonna love you 'til my dyin' day
I said it, and I mean it / You can believe what I say / I said it, and I mean it / I'm gonna love you 'til my dyin' day
EVERYTHING EXCEPT
I want everything from you, except a deadline / I want both my eyes on you, not one on the clock time / I want everything from you / I want to give you everything, too / I want everything from you except a deadline
I watched the sunset with you / I know the sun felt regret / I want a sunrise with you tomorrow / If the world would let me / Have everything from. you / Except a deadline
I want everything from you except a deadline / I want both my eyes on you, not one on the clock time / I want everything from you / I want to give you everything, too / I want everything from you except a deadline
There's always a raging storm / When I'm alone out there / But I feel safe and warm with you / Goin'. anywhere, so / I want everything from you / except a deadline
I want everything from you except a deadline / I want both my eyes on you, not one on the clock time / I want everything from you / I want to give you everything, too / I want everything from you / Except a deadline
You know they call them alarm clocks / 'Cause they send me to / All those alarming places / With alarming things to do / I want everything from you / Except a deadline
Security and peace and understanding / Protection, comfort, ease and a home to live in / I shut the door on the world; it makes a different sound / That's how I know that you're around / So I want everything from you / Except a deadline
EVERYBODY BUT YOU
They're trying to make me change my ways / Everybody but you / Sleepless nights and tired days / Everybody but you / Kill my seed before it grow / Everybody but you / Now I believe it's time to go away from / Everybody but you
Waste my money, waste my time / Everybody but you / this ol' world ain't worth a dime / Everybody but you / All a frightenin', one big mass / Everybody but you / Will not yield and cannot pass / Everybody but you
You...are the exception to this Hell on Earth / You...are my protection, first I've had since birth
They're trying to make me change my ways / Everybody but you / Sleepless nights and tired days / Everybody but you / Kill my seed before it grow / Everybody but you / Now I believe it's time to go away from. / Everybody but you
No less an authority on bad luck and women that Tom Waits once related, "I met a woman one time.. it was hubbahubba and wingdingding, oh baby, you got everything...A couple of weeks later it wag hubbahubba and wing-dingdong, that sure didn't last very long," and so it was with Ned's first heartbreak, who put him down...like a blueswoman. Despondent, Ned turned back to deep, negative blues -
WHEN YOU TELL ME TO BUZZ OFF, THEN IT'S OFF TO BUZZ I GO
I can be a good man, to just one woman true / And I can bring home the bacon, I'm a butter and egg man, too / I can love one woman, seven days a week / But if she says she don't want me, she can kiss me goodbye on the cheek
'Cause when you tell / Me to buzz off / Then it's off / To buzz I go / And when you tell me / You don't want me / Don't have to tell / Me any mo'
Ain't nothin' sweeter than to know you found a love / Ain't no place better, it's like Heaven up above / I want to believe that I got that from my girl / But if I find out different, gone so fast, her hair gone curl
'Cause when you tell / Me to buzz off / Then it's off / To buzz I go / And when you tell me / You don't want me / Don't have to tell / Me any mo'
I'm a king bee making honey, and I can make money, too / With my sweet baby by my side, there ain't nothing I can't do / She can have them jewels and cars and the children gwine grow up right / But if she tell me it just ain't my day, it sho' ain't gonna be her night
'Cause when you tell / Me to buzz off / Then it's off / To buzz I go / And when you tell me / You don't want me / Don't have to tell / Me any mo'
'Cause when you tell / Me to buzz off / Then it's off / To buzz I go / And when you tell me / You don't want me / Don't have to tell / Me any mo'
SOMETHING WOMEN
Some women something but they evil / You know that ain't no way to be / Some women something but they evil / You know that ain't no way to be / My woman easy on the eyeballs / But she so hard on the rest of me
When I first got with that woman / Silk and diamonds, head to toe / When I first got with that woman / Silk and diamonds, head to toe / She put me through that something wringer / Now a matchbox holds my clothes
I can't remember / Last time a good laugh came my way / I can't remember / Last time a good laugh came my way / But when I see her with another man / I'll laugh at him 'most every day
Listenin' to the men around me / Worried 'bout their women too / Listenin' to the men around me / Worried 'bout their women too / Want to tell you 'bout something women / Don't let 'em do something to you
Confused and forlorn, Ned displayed a mistrust of the world around him for several months after his first heartbreak, entering into what one blues historian has labelled his "trough of despond." His state of mind shows clearly in lyrics from the "trough," such as -
NO I AIN'T
I won't be hungry, 'less you open that Frigidaire door / I won't be hungry, 'less you open that Frigidaire door / If ths door 'tween us don't open / Won't have to worry 'bout you no more
I won't be thirsty, 'less I see you take a drink / I won't be thirsty, 'less I see you take a drink / If the well don't look dry, baby / Then that well won't make me think
And I won't feel tired, 'til I see you blink and yawn / And I won't feel tired, 'til I see you blink and yawn / And I won't feel nothin'/ likely never, now you gone
I won't feel chilly, 'less I see you shiver, too / I won't feel chilly, 'lest I, see you shiver, too / And I'll never feel warm again / 'til I get warm next to you
I won't be hungry, 'less you open that Frigidaire door / I won't be hungry, 'less you open that Frigidaire door / If the door 'tween us don't open / Won't have to worry 'bout you no more
IN THE WAY
Everybody's in the way, baby / 'Til I just can't get to you / Every night and every day, baby / 'til I don't know what to do / Tellin' me the same old stories / When I'm in the mood for something new
Ain't nobody on my side, baby / Ain't nobody helpin' me at all / Tryin' to take me for a ride, baby / Drive me straight up against the wall / All I need is to get next to you, baby / If I don't, I'm headin' for a fall
Gettin' bluer all the time, heby / Gettin' older ever day / Gottin' so blue, it's a crime, baby / Cryin' all these tears away / Can't think 'bout nothin' but you, baby / Your name's all that I can say
People talkin' all around, baby / And they talkin' 'bout po' me / People tryin' to put me down, baby / Evil just won't let me be / You're the only thing can bring me back up, baby / The only one who can set me free
YES I GOT THE BLUES
Well a chicken ain't no reptile, as everybody knows / But I sho' get. confused because they both got scaly toes / Yes I got the blues, but I ain't got scaly toes / And a chicken ain't no reptile, as evertbody knows
My housecat ain't no lion, she don't roar and she don't scare / But I think she wish she was one, when I push her out my chair / Yes I got the blues, as I sit here in this chair / But my housecat ain't no lion, she don't roar and she don't scare
I don't want no downtown woman, want every downtown man she meets / But sometimes I think about lt, 'tween these cold and lonely sheets / Yes I got the blues, 'tween these cold and lonely sheets / But I don't want no downtown woman, wants every downtown man she meets
The chicken made a cackle, and the rooster laid an egg / But I could not tell the difference when they both was in the shade / Yes I got the blues, as I sit here in the shade / Why the chicken made a cackle, why the rooster laid an egg
...and the equally confused, powerfully gloomy antiwar number -
AFTER THE HOLOCAUST BLUES
The sky is weepin' and the air's so thick Ane sad / The sky is weepin' and the air's so thick and sad / Yeah, weepin' over all those people / Who get hurt when a few get mad
The wind ain't blowin' and the clouds ain't got no glow / The wind ain't blowin' and the clouds ain't got no glow / No time to cry for little things / Race of Man has got so low
The sun ain't shinin' ane the birds don't sing no more / The sun ain't shinin' and the birds don't sing no more / I'm the echo of a warnin' and it didn't stop the war
"After the Holocaust Blues" gained Old YellowEyed Ned his first nationwide attention, assisted on its way up the charts by headlines about the Korean conflict, then at its height, and about Ned himself ...It was in early 1953 that tabloid front pages revealed details of the lurid "Yellow-Eyed Man Encounters Aliens, Suggests Gin" story, later categorically denied by all parties involved.
With nationwide attention came entry into the blues performer's traditional cycle of events. With Success comes Love; with Love comes Rejection; with Rejection comes Creativity; with Creativity comes Success. The 50s saw the Wheel of Fortune take Ned from the "chitlin' circuit" to the Apollo and back, from gold lame'clad backing bands to lonely street corners. Women came and went. Ned came and went. At the top of the Wheel, they sometimes came and went places together.
The bluesman's bane is to let this traditional cycle take the place of a life's plan, to lose sight of goals and ambitions, and to fade into obscurity. For a time, admittedly, the cycle can be extremely useful as a source of song material, but in the long run, it is a curse. Ned's '54'60 output was not prolific, but was increasingly polished. Two examples, the second being a rare, interesting Old YellowEyed Ned experiment with C & W, follow.
PLANS
Hope I get old before I die, get a chance to do something right / Hope I get paid at the end of the day, spend my money on my baby tonight
Hope I can go and see the world and I sure hope it's still there to see / Hope I can find somebody to love, and I hope somebody will love me
I want to climb a mountain some day, want to dive to the bottom of the sea / Want to hear the elephant and see the owl, and I want some company
Let me do a sunrise on the beach, let me do a sunset too / Let me find somebody to hold my hand through all the things I want to do
Hope I get old before I die, get a chance to do something right / Hope I get paid at the end of the day, spend my money on my baby tonight
FOURLEGGED FOOLS
Nearly wrecked my car just the other night / Ol' boy dog, just one thing on his mind, stepped into my headlight / Just like I've done a thousand times, tryin' to scratch that itch / Lost my mind, nearly lost my life, chasin' down some bitch /
You know I wonder, why I let them dog me 'round / Leave me brainless and pantin' like a honeysniffin' hound
Went down to the zoo today just to see what I could see / Stopped off at the monkey house, saw one chimp just like me / Girl monkey had him doin' every trick that he could do / How many times you let some woman make a monkey out of you /
You know I wonder, why I let them monkey with my head / Guess they'll keep me bananas, until the day I'm dead
Tomcats in my alley, until the break of dawn / Late to work this morning, got there, all I could do was yawn / Got home tonight and saw poor Tom, bloody, bruised and sore / Would have thought he was a fool, but I been foolish more /
You know I wonder, when I will be scratched enough / Just like that ol' tomcat, seems I never get enough
Took my baby to the circus, got a seat by the center ring / Something 'bout it made me nervous, but she was lovin' everything / Riders doin' tricks with their ponies, and the ringmaster crackin' his whip / I knew that Jack had nothin' on my baby, the way she make me jump and flip /
You know I wonder, why they got the power to whip me so / Man get high as Hell on a woman, and every time she'll lay him low
With the opening of a new decade, Ned began to concentrate more on gaining the lasting fame that had thus far escaped him. Recurring periods of bad luck and poverty had given him the drive to search for permanent security by this time, and when, in the summer of 1960, Sonny Boy (Rice Miller) Williamson left KFFA Radio in West Helena, Arkansas to record his last string of hits for Chess, Ned was one of several performers who briefly took over the noon12:30pm live blues program.
Of course when Sonny Boy left, the original "King Biscuit Time" sponsor, King Biscuit Flour, rescinded its support, and Ned's two weeks on the air were backed by the T. S. Bone Cookware Company. Like the other program hosts, Ned had to write an advertising jingle for his sponsor and perform it live at the close of each day's program. While Bone's sales records from the period are not available, one can guess at the results of Ned's sonnet to their skillets -
One black, two black, I black, you black / Leave my Bone alone / See them things any place at all / You want to take them home / Five, ten, twelve bucks a piece / Man them things will hold your grease / One black, two bleck, I black, you black / Leave my Bone alone
Time spent in the radio station made Ned more aware of global events, and the space race made a particularly deep impreesion on him, possibly weighted by his past alleged encounter with aliens. His commentary on the space race, reflective both of his advertising expertise and a selfdestructive lack of personal direction somewhat evocative of "Invisible Man" was -
GEMINI BOOGIE
I'm gonna write the President, ask to be sent into space / I'm gonna write the President, ask to be sent into space / So my evilhearted woman can let someone take my place
Gon' pack my oxygen, space food sticks and now my Tang / Gon' pack my oxygen, space food sticks and now my Tang / Don't care where my rocket takes me / Since I lost my pretty thing
Let 'em aim me, aim me right into the moon / Let 'em aim me, aim me right into the moon / won't be halfway through the atmosphere / 'Fore somebody takes my room
I'm gonna write the President, ask to be sent into space / I'm genne write the President, ask to be sent into space / So my evilhearted woman can let someone take my place
The topicality of "Gemini Boogie" put it in juke boxes across the country, and Ned found himself finally in possession of secure fame and income. Freed from fiscal worries, he entered his most soulful, reflective period. Many of his '60'70 songs were obvious tributes to musical influences, women or circumstances.
ELEVENTH HOUR BLUES
Eleventh hour blues is the baddest blues I know / Eleventh hour blues is the baddest blues I know / Full of worries and trouble and just one hour to go
It's the end of the month and I ain't paid last month's rent / It's the end of the month and I ain't paid last month's rent / It's three o' clock in the morning and I wonder where my baby went /
That's why eleventh hour blues is the baddest blues I know / Eleventh hour blues is the baddest blues I know / Full of worries and trouble and just one hour to go
Got accused of peepin' and I just can't hardly see / Got accused of peepin' and I just can't hardly see / When I had my eyes, nothing pretty ever walked past me /
That's why eleventh hour blues is the baddest blues I know / Elevonth hour blues is the baddest blues I know / Full of worries and trouble and just one hour to go
My peach orchard mama said her fruit was just for me / My peach orchard mama said her fruit was just for me / But by the time she told me, there was nothin' left on her tree /
That's why eleventh hour blues is the baddest blues I know / Eleventh hour blues is the baddest blues I know / Full of worries and trouble and just one hour to go
YOU GONNA FIND OUT
You gonna find out, baby / All the thinge I done for you / You gonna find out, baby / All the things I done for you / You packin' up to leave me / But you don't know what to do
Somebody done the cookin' / And somebody paid the rent / Somebody done the cookin' / And somebody paid the rent / Somebody paid the bills, baby / Gave you every extra cent
What you gonna do / When that fine ol' car break down? / What you gonna do/ When that fine ol' car break down? / Who gwine crawl under that car hood / When yo' daddy ain't around?
You know it's cold out there / In that mean ol' world alone / It's so cold out there / In that mean ol' world alone / You think you don't want to share my blanket / You gonna find out why you wrong
What you gonna say / When the rent man's at yo' door? / What you gonna say/ When the rent man's at yo' door? / Don't say nothin' to me, baby / I don't want you back no more
HOW MANY SONGS
You met an old friend, what a bad boy I've been / You met her, compared you some notes / I admit it was close, a repeat of some lines / But if it keeps me warm, I don't need a new coat
How many songs do you want me to know / How many songs I gotta sing / Why in the world should I do something new / When I'm after that same old thing
The food here is good and the view does a thing / What a shame if it did it just once / Now you tell me I shouldn't have brought you in here / But where the fox is, baby, that's where I hunt
How many songs do you want me to know / How many songs I gotta sing / Why in the world should I do something new / When I'm after that same old thing
The candles I lit were already half burned / Why worry about the first half / They still show you off, think I'm falling in love / It's an old joke, honey, but we can still laugh
How many songs do you want me to know / How many songs I gotta sing / Why in the world should I do something new / When I'm after that same old thing
BACK DOOR BLUES
You can close your back door; sometimes the front door stick / You can c1ose your back door; sometimes the front door stick / I take the back when I can take my pick
That front door right where everyone can see / That front door right where everyone can see / We better use the back unless you want them to see me
That front door lets in every kind of blues / That front door lets in every kind of blues / Use the back door, mama; Just let in who you choose
One time I thought the front door 'd be alright / One time I thought the front door 'd be alright / I learned my lesson before the sky got light
You can close your back door; sometimes the front will stick / You can close your back door; sometimes the front will stick / I take the back when I can take my pick
TERMINAL BLUES
I am dying from the blues, caught it from the birds and bees / I am dying from the blues, caught it from the birds and bees / You know the blues ain't nothing, but that doggone heart disease
My baby left me this morning, And she took away the cure / My baby left me this morning, and she took away the cure / Now I got that blues sickness, and it's killing me for sure
Boys I could not, ever let that woman be / Boys I could not, ever let that woman be / She got tired of my botherin', now she's gone and killin' me
THE MAGNET
Listen to me lie, watch me get up and dress / Help me straighten my tie, baby, don't be depressed / Things are not what they used to be / Now that you're with him and she's with me
Can't go to my place, even through the back door / It's Holiday Inn, Room two thirtyfour / I'm at a meeting, and you're with a friend / 'Cause when we said, "Goodbye," we couldn't say, "It's the end"
And the magnet is too strong, and it don't know right from wrong / Now about tonight, how long / Now about tonight, how long
Can't get away, while the gettin' is good / Take a good look, and you'll agree that we should / Cut it off now before something turns bad / can't go on pretending that we have what we had
And the magnet is too strong, and it don't know right from wrong / Now about tonight, how long / Now about tonight, how long
Freshen up, baby, and he'll never know / Try not to think about where I gotta go / I'll zip it up so he can zip it back down / Someone might see us, better go out of town
And the magnet is too strong, and it don't know right from wrong / Now about tonight, how long / Now about tonight, how long
CATCHING THE CREEPER
Two o'clock in the morning / In a bad part of town / I heard footsteps behind me / So I turned around / He said "Hello, Ned" / I said, "Hello, who are you?" / He said, "I'm the man who's gonna put you down, that's what I'm gonna do"
I said, "No, thank you, but I'll bet you got a wife" / "I didn't know that she was married, I swear it on my life" / It was two in the morning / In a evil part of town / With a evil husband wanting to put po' Ned down /
He said, "Just say your prayers, you gonna need 'em soon" / "Say enough to last you, 'cause I'm gonna knock you into next June" / I asked, "How you know it was me that made that midnight creep" / He said, "She hollered, 'Now, Ned' last night in her sleep"
"Now listen to reason, Jack, 'cause that don't mean a thing" / "Plenty women holler 'Now, Ned' when they hear me sing" / "If you don't go for that answer, I got another plan for you" / "Just watch my heels, I got to fly, got better things to do"
THE YELLOW FRUIT SONG
One and one is two, two and two and two make four / I met my baby in the produce section at the grocery store / Oh, don't let my banana spoil now / Lemme put my banana in your fruit basket / And I'll get satisfied somehow
Two and two is four, four and four is eight / Better peel lt back before it gets too late / Oh, don't let my banana spoil now / Lemme put my banana in your fruit basket / And I'll get satisfied somehow
Four and four is eight, five and five is ten / Don't you think we better thump them melons again / Oh, don't let my banana spoil now / Lemme put my banana in your fruit basket / And I'll get satisfied somehow
Five and five is ten, ten and five's fifteen / Better wash that yellow fruit, you don't know where it's been / Oh, don't let my banana spoil now / Lemme put my banana in your fruit basket / And I'll get satisfied somehow
Well, there's apples on the tree, grapes is on the vine / Lemme tell you how I'm gonna make you mine / Oh, don't let my banana spoil now / Lemme put my banana in your fruit basket / I'll get satisfied somehow
IF I HAD AN AUTOMOBILE
Well, if I had an automobile / I would sleep in it most the time / If I had an automobile / I would sleep in it most the time / 'Cause the way l'm treated in my own house / Sho' Lord is a crime
Yes and if I had an aeroplane / I would fly away from here / If I had an aeroplane / I would fly away from here / Take the tears out of my eyes / Take the gray out of my beard
An' if I had a rocket ship / I'd be halfway to the moon / If I had a rocketship / I'd be halfway to the moon / Let 'em tell it on the evening news / So somebody 'd take my room
I have to fix my own breakfast / My own lunch and dinner, too / I have to fix my own breakfast / My own lunch and dinner, too / And if there's only enough for one / She say, "Daddy ain't none fo' you"
Well, if I had an automobile / I would sleep in it most the time / If I had an automobile/I would sleep in it most the time / 'Cause the way I'm treated in my own house/ Sho' Lord is a crime
MAKE ONE MISTAKE
Make one mistake and the Lord will do the rest / Make one mistake and the Lord will do the rest / And if you don't believe me, here's a way to put it to the test
You might fall for the / Wrong lover one time / The rest of your life you think Love ain't worth a dime / Make one mistake and the Lord will do the rest / And if you don't believe me, here's a way to put it to the test
You get cold and hungry / Want to rob and steal / The rest of your life you're eating cold prison meals / Make one mistake and the Lord will do the rest / And if you don't believe me, here's a way to put it to the test
Make one mistake and the Lord will do the rest / Make one mistake and the Lord will do the rest / And if you don't believe me, here's a way to put it to the test
Like when you break your glasses / Or lose your head / Mess up your bank book / Or go drinkin' with Ned / Make one mistake and the Lord will do the rest / And if you don't believe me, here's a way to put it to the test
YELLOWEYED ALL AROUND MAN
Lord I ain't no miller, I ain't no miller's son / But I can do your grindin' 'til the miller man come / 'cause I'm a man, Lord, yelloweyed all around man / And I can do 'most anything, that comes into my hand
Lord I ain't no milkman, I ain't no milkman's son / But I can milk a brown cow 'til the milkman come / 'cause I'm a man, Lord, yelloweyed all around man / And I can do 'most anything, that comes into my hand
Lord I ain't no bookkeeper, I ain't no bookkeeper's son / But I'll do that double entry 'til the bookkeeper come / 'Cause I'm a man, Lord, yelloweyed all around man / And I can do 'most anything, that comes into my hand
Lord I ain't no mailman, I ain't no mailman's son / But I'll deliver to your box 'til the mailman come / 'cause I'm a man, Lord, yelloweyed all around man / And I can do 'most anything, that comes into my hand
ANOTHER WOMAN
I got a woman at home, she'll do it all for me / But there's just one woman who shakes my tree / And that's another woman / There's another woman / There's another woman / And she's really something
That woman at home, she don't do nothin' wrong / But she don't do nothin' right enough to make me write a song / But there's another woman / There's another woman / There's another woman / And she's really something
About the woman at home, I got to tell you fair / She got pearly white teeth and curly black hair / But there's another woman / There's another woman / There's another woman / And she's really something
The woman at home serves me breakfast in bed / Wish I was bringing home the bacon to someone else instead / And that's another woman / There's another woman / There's another woman / And she's really something
Me and my baby never fuss and fight / But what makes me toss and turn all through the night / Is another woman / There's another woman / There's another woman / And she's really something
I got a woman at home, she'll do it all for me / But there's Just one woman who shakes my tree / And that's another women / There's another woman / There's another woman / And she's really something
YOU SHUDDA TOLD ME
The other mornin', when I first woke up / I hadn't even opened my eyes / I was talkin' to a woman, and the conversation turned / To the topic of my size / I said, "Ain't nothin' special, as I recall, from the showers in the high school gym / She said, "Well, I was just thinkin' 'bout my husband / And you sho' Lord bigger than him"
"Yo' husband / Well now don't you think / You shudda told me 'bout him last night / Last thing I want to hear / First thing in the mornin' / Is 'bout a husband with a reason to fight"
The other night, a peaceful night / I was strollin' down the street / And here came a man with a gun in his hand / I had to show him the soles of my feet / And he was yellin' and screamin' and chasin' po' me / I said, "I didn't mean a thing / She never mentioned no husb_nd at all, and I don't remember no ring"
"Yo' husband / Well now don't you think / You shudda told me 'bout him last night / Last thing I want to hear / First thing in the mornin' / Is 'bout a husband with a reason to fight"
Well, I believe that from now on / When I buy a girl a glass of wine / First thing I'll say before we jump in the hay / Is 'bout whose she's comparin' to mine / It just ain't worth it; I don't mean no harm / And I got no urge for a fight / So, baby, go on, back to yo' happy home / And tell yo' husband I wish him a good night
"Yo' husband / Well now don't you think / You shudda told me 'bout him last night / ment thing I want to hear / First thing in the mornin' / Is 'bout a husband with a reason to fight"
Early autumn is the hunting season for bluesmen; the period in which they traditionally begin to search for lasting romantic involvements to keep them warm through the winter. Weather and seasonal themes, especially those centered around autumn, run through several of Ned's numbers, such as the following -
WHEN THE LEAVES FALL
Sittin' here watchin' the weather, and the sunset is red / This summer with you is goin' straight to my head / I'm tryin' to go easy , I'm tryin' to go slow / But I'm here to tell you one thing that I know /
When the leaves fall / When the leaves fall / When the leaves fall / I believe we'll be fallin' in love
Last springtime, you had another man on your mind / Lord knows I've got some memories that treat me unkind / But while the flowers grow up, and while the sun burns down / Those memories are fadin', And we're turnin' around
And when the leaves fall / When the leaves fall / When the leavee fall / I believe we'll be fallin' in love
While the birds fly south, I feel it deep in my bones / When we'll want each other full time, instead of on loan / It's a matter of time, and the time's gettin' close / And I think we're gonna face it 'fore the pond gets froze
And when the leaves fall / When the leaves fall / When the leaves fall / I believe we'll be fallin' in love
Sittin' here watchin' the weather, and the sunset is red / This summer with you is goin' straight to my head / I'm tryin' to go easy, I'm tryin' to go slow / But I'm here to tell you one thing that I know
When the leaves fall / When the leaves fall / When the leaves fall / I believe we'll be fallin' in love
LOSE YOUR GOOD FRIEND
You lose your love in winter / Someone will share your bed / You lose your love in winter / Someone will share your bed / But when you lose your good friend / Feel like your party time dead
You lose your love in summer / Take off, go someplace new / You lose your love in summer / Take off, find somebody new / But if you lose your good friend / Nobody to go there with you
You lose your love in daytime / Easy to see the next one / You lose your love in daytime / Easy to see the next one / But when you lose your good friend / Feel like your good day's done
You lose your love at night time / Prob'ly know where to look / You lose your love at night time / Prob'ly know just where to look / But when you loee your good friend / You like a line without a hook
A friend will save you / Save you from yourself / A friend will save you / Save you from yourself / But a love ain't nothin' / But your guide to Hell
A good friend knows you / Don't have to be by your side / A good friend knows you / Don't have to be by yo' side / But a lover's right there / Wrong time, to look you in the eye
So when you lose your love / Don't you worry 'bout a thing / And when you lose your love / Don't you worry 'bout a thing / But when you lose a good friend / Pick you out a sad, sad blues to sing
A SHIRTSLEEVE NIGHT
It's a shirtsleeve night last one of the year / Frogs in the river soundin' sad, they know autumn 1s near / The moon's hung up in the fork of a tree / Now
who's this sweet woman gettin' closer to me
I want to fling out my arm and pull it all in tight / I want to put it all together, 'cause it's that kind of night / I want to wrap it around us, so it won't go away / It's time to get closer, can't you hear what I say
Tomorrow, this rooster might not crow for day / But every breath I take tonight is like a champagne spray / The leaves are turnin', rustlin' like a new pair of sheets / Before this weather turns, let's go and turn on some heat
It's a shirtsleeve night, last one of the year / Frogs in the river soundin' sad, they know autumn is near / The moon's hung up in the fork of a tree / Now who's this sweet woman gettln' closer to me
His success during the 60s was consistent, but the blues itself was in decline. Whereas the 1962 gauge of success had been the sale of 50,000 records, 1970 success meant merely the retention of a recording contract. First blaming himself for the decline, Ned gave up wine forever...for two weeks...during which time he wrote "Cup of Tea Blues" -
CUP OF TEA BLUES
Invite me over for a cup of tea tonight / Invite me over for a cup of tea tonight / And won't you steep my tea bag / 'til the sky turns light
Put my tea bag in your teapot / Watch my eyes light up / You get enough lovin' for a big tea cup
Invite me over for a cup of tea tonight / Invite me over for a cup of tea tonight / And won't vou steep my tea bag / 'til the sky turns light
Pour hot water from the kettle / Add a little spice / I know you got some honey for me, ain't that nice
Invite me over for a cup of tea tonight / Invite me over for a cup of tea tonight / And won't you steep my tea bag / 'til the sky turns light
We'll keep the tea cups on the dresser / Saucers, too / You can pour for me and I can pour for you
Invite me over for a cup of tea tonight / Invite me over for a cup of tea tonight / And won't you steep mv tea bag / 'til the sky turns light
Add a little cream / Stir it nice and slow / Stir a little faster 'til the cream begin to flow
Invite me over for a cup of tea tonight / Invite me over for a cup of tea tonight / And won't you steep my tea bag / 'til the sky turns light
Later in the market slump, apparently heedless of decay within his field, or maybe just so drunk that he would have wet his pants if he had been able to aim that precisely, Old YellowEyed Ned developed a new vice gambling which seriously impacted both his bank balances and his material, as seen most clearly in his 1969 releases.
HIGH ROLLER BLUES
One of these mornings when you open up your eyes / And look for me, you may just get a big surprise / 'Cause I'm a high roller, baby / Ain't no tellin' what I'll do / I'm a high roller / And I can roll much higher than you
One of these days, you figurin' how to spend my dough / You might turn 'round, find you can't spend it anymore / 'Cause I'm a high roller, babe / Ain't no tellin' what I'll do / I'm a high roller / And I can roll much higher than you
One of these evenin's, you out doggin' some man 'round / Look up and see me, but I won't be lookin' down / 'Cause I'm a high roller, baby / Ain't no tellin' what I'll do / I'm a high roller / And I can roll much higher than you
One of these midnights when you feeling all alone / Your hand is itchin', but don't call me on the phone / 'Cause I'm a high roller, baby / Ain't no tellin' what I'll do / I'm a high roller / And I can roll much higher than you
One of these mornings when you open up your eyes / And look for me, you may just get a big surprise / 'Cause I'm a high roller, baby / Ain't no tellin' what I'll do / I'm a high roller / And I can roll much higher than you
I DON'T WANT TO BE THE DEALER
You know I like the game, I don't mind it at all / It feels like I'm winnin' and I'm havin' a ball / So don't you make me get up out of this comfortable chair / I don't envy the work that you got over there
I don't want to be the dealer / I don't want to be the dealer / I don't want to be the dealer / I don't want to be the dealer / I don't want to be the dealer / I just want to play the game
Some people want to be the dealer from the age of five / They start practicin' dealin' and all of that jive / Well, all through my life I've had better things to do / And I'll bet seven up I'm havin' more fun than you
I don't want to be the dealer / I don't want to be the dealer / I don't want to be the dealer / I don't want to be the dealer / I don't want to be the dealer / I just want to play the game
Now maybe dealers get some money, get some respect / I ain't lookin' at them, I got a card to select / Here, now, kings are loaded and the queens are wild / We can come back tomorrow, put your chips in the pile
I don't want to be the dealer / I don't want to be the dealer / I don't want to be the dealer / I don't want to be the dealer / I don't want to be the dealer / I just want to play the game
You know I like the game, I don't mind it at all / It feels like I'm winnin' and I'm havin' a ball / So don't you make me get up out of this comfortable chair / I don't envy the work that you got over there
I don't want to be the dealer / I don't want to be the dealer / I don't want to be the dealer / I don't want to be the dealer / I don't want to be the dealer / I just want to play the game
PERFECT UNDERSTANDING
I need a new pair of brogans, 'cause my ramblin' is hard / I need an extra ace of hearts for when I've played my last card / I need some John the Conqueror root and a mojo hand / Need to explain it to you, baby, so you'll understand
I need to have a good time, sometimes that means with you / I need to treat you real nice, just to see what you'll do / I need to get everything while the gettin' is good / Need to explain it to you, babe, so it's understood
It's a big, old world, and there' a lot to see / Plenty room for you, and plenty room for me / You can't expect this bluesman to settle down / Need to explain it so we can have fun when we happen to both be around
The Lord gave us feet to get to parties, that's for sure / But sometimes that party's behind somebody else's door / When those times come, that's where I'm going; I ain't doing nothing wrong / I wish you'd do the same; I'd like to hear you sing this song
I need a new pair of brogans, 'cause my ramblin' is hard / I need an extra ace of hearts for when I've played my last card / I need some John the Conqueror root and a mojo hand / Need to explain it to you, baby, so you'll understand
On May 11th, 1975, having gambled his way out of all assets more major than pocket fluff, Ned met the second great love of his life another blues performer Diamond Tooth Della Watcheson. Her fans predicted, and Ned's gloomily agreed, that she would first straighten the yelloweyed longtime batchelor out, but that her doing so would drive him right out the door. Both continued to perform and record until the inevitable breakup occurred in early '77, shortly after their differences were chronicled in the following two numbers, Della's "Allergies," a clear proclamation that she would no longor stand for Ned's somewhat casual attitude toward domestic harmony, then the pastoral imagery of Ned's tribute to womanhood, "No Good Barnyard Blues."
ALLERGIES
Now, all you men listen to what I got to say / 'Bout how you need to treat me every day / I'm teachin' you now, and I'm tellin' you clear / Here's all you gotta know to keep me hangin' round, dear
I ain' t allergic to chocolate, flowers, diamonds or champagne / I ain't allergic to chocolates, flowers, diamonds or champagne / Now if you find me packin', you only got yourself to blame
There ain't no excuses, I'm making it plain / I'm drawing a picture of the rules of the game / I'm answerin' all the questions that you need to ask / Here's what it looks like, no disguise and no mask
I ain't allergic to chocolates, flowers, diamonds or champagne / I ain't allergic to chocolates, flowers, diamonds or champagne / Now if you find me packin', you only got yourself to blame
Now if you come home too late, it might get you a sneeze / And if you come home drunk, that's one of my allergies / And if you chase other women, it's hard to forgive / But I believe we can make it if you remember how I live
I ain't allergic to chocolates, flowers, diamonds or champagne / I ain't allergic to chocolates, flowers, diamonds or champagne / Now if you find me packin', you only got yourself to blame
You know I don't need no man that can't treat me right / I'm makin' it easy, put it straight in the light / I'm tellin' you loud and I'm tellin' you clear / Here's all you gotta know to keep me hangin' round, dear
I ain't allergic to chocolates, flowers, diamonds or champagne / I ain't allergic to chocolates, flowers, diamonds or champagne / Now if you find me packin', you only got yourself to blame
NO GOOD BARNYARD BLUES
What good is a barn with no kicking in the stall / What good is a barn with no kicking in the stall / I believe that barn just ain't no good at all
What good is a henhouse where the fox has got a key / What good is a henhouse where the fox has got a key / Now what good does that henhouse do for me
Oh well, well / Oh well, well / Oh well, well / Well, well / What good is a hen that don' t cackle when she lay
What good is a chicken that won't dig when she scratch / What good is a chicken that won't dig when she scratch / What good is a woman spending all my cash
What good is a hen that won't cackle when she lay / What good is a hen that won't cackle when she lay / What good is a woman that dog me night and day
Oh well, well / Oh well, well / Oh well, well / Well, well / What good is a hen that don' t cackle when she lay
What good is a hen that won't cackle when she lay / What good is a hen that won't cackle when she lay / What good is a woman that dog me night and day
Like many other bluesmen, including Big Boy Henry and the Rev. Gary Davis of North Carolina, Charley Patton And Son House of Mississippi and numerous others, Ned occasionally underwent religious periods, and swore on several occasions to lay down his guitar and pick up the Bible. The late seventies religious phase which followed his departure from Della was the deepest of all those experienced by the Saffron One, though his gospel songs, typified by "The Devil's Clock Radio," never attracted much interest.
THE DEVIL'S CLOCK RADIO
The snooze alarm sounds every five minutes / [Forever and ever and ever] / And it's tuned to an alltalk radio station / Al1 you sinners repent] /
With a callin program about garden pests / [Forever and ever and ever] / Sponsored by an accordion manufacturer / [All you sinners repent]
Unless you'd like to hear about garden pests / Every five minutes through eternal rest / Unless accordion music makes you go, go, go / Well, you better stay away from the Devil's clock radio
That snooze alarm volume is way up high / [Forever and ever and ever] / So you don't miss a word from that gardenin' guy / [all you sinners repent] /
Don't let no blasphemin' come out yo' mouth / [Forever and ever and ever] / 'Cause there's a hell of a clock radio Way Down South / [all you sinners repent]
Unless you'd like to hear about garden pests / Every five minutes through eternal rest / Unless accordion music makes you go, go, go / Well, you better stay away from the Devil's clock radio
Yes, gamblin' and drinkin and carryin' on / [Forever and ever and ever] / And you'll hear about potato bugs from dusk 'til dawn / [All you sinners repent] /
On a callin program about garden pests / [Forever and ever and ever] / That's what comes to sinners 'stead of eternal rest / [All you sinners repent]
Unless you'd like to hear about garden pests / Every five minutes through eternal rest / Unless you want perpetual polka and zydeco / Well, you better stay away from the Devil's clock radio /
It was on the day that Ned's contract with "All God's Chilluns Got Turntables Records" was cancelled that he decided to explore once more the potential of advertising. Looking through an old guitar case for the KFFA address, he found instead the label from a muscatel bottle, memento of some forgotten blues bacchanal.
Noticing that the "Gulp 'Em Down" winery had a Burgaw, North Carolina mailing address, Old YellowEyed Ned interpreted his find as an omen. Contacting the firm immediately, trading on his remaining fame, he bargained his way into becoming the spokesperson for a new product line. Old YellowEyed Ned Wine Coolers came onto the market, and the rest is history.
NED'S THEME
See me comin', yeah that's a bluesman in the street / You see me comin', that's a bluesman in the street / I was born talkin' sweet talk, standin' up and on my feet
Preachin' Daddy told me, that the blues was wrong, wrong, wrong / Just a little yelloweyed boy, heard that blues was wrong, wrong, wrong / Left my daddy to his preachin', and I left that right, right home
When the rent man came callin', neighbors always called on Ned / When the rent man came callin', neighbors always called on Ned / Man, rent parties was a fine, fine time, playin' blues to make that bread
Then I roamed all down to Little Rock, and hooked up with Lights Out Brown / Roamed all down to Little Rock (had a fine time) and hooked up with Lights Out Brown / Stayed 'til I found out he could see(better than me)/ then I took off, Memphis bound
Now, Wilmington, Wilmington, is the place I want to be / Wilmington, North Carolina, is the place I want to be / Got some friends, got some women, got the Blues Society
See me comin', yeah that's a bluesman in the street / You see me comin', that's a bluesman in the street / I was born talkin' sweet talk, standin' up and on my feet
These pages describe the delusions, fantasies &