Remember Lefty Frizzell, the country/novelty performer who brought us "I'm Going to Hire a Wino to Decorate Our Home" along about 1968? Well, you damn well ought to. It was a great song, and he delivered it with subtle, perfect tongue-in-cheek timing. Of course, in these days of heroin revival and crack, a simple wino isn't all that disturbing an image, so I've tried to add a little impact to the tune on the update that follows:

I'm Going to Hire a Rhino to Decorate Our Home

Last night, I got home and threw up on the porch
I was too drunk to slap my own face if I was Larry Storch
So I laid down in that puddle, and started in to snore
My wife said, "I'm not gonna take this any more"

She said, "I'm going to hire a rhino to decorate our home
So you won't have to wander and you won't have to roam
He will ruin all that you hold dear and crap all on the rug
And you can call him 'Lancelot' or you can call him 'Doug'"

She said, "Let's take out that dining room table, put a bar along
that wall
And make sure all the stools are short so you won't have far to fall
Oh, that rhino don't care about money, and he don't care 'bout change
But he will thump his leg if you will scratch him on his mange"

She said, "I'm going to hire a rhino to decorate our home
So you can take it easy, and you won't be alone
And all your friends can join you for a string of Friday swills
The rhino likes his lager, but you better stick to Pils

Just bring them Friday paychecks and set 'em on the bar
Or I'll herd him to the driveway and point him at your car
And if you don't like my rhino, then as sure as you are born
I will take a file and sharpen up the tip top of his horn"

She said, "I'm going to hire a rhino to decorate our home
He will pee on your recliner as his nostrils start to foam
And if you find him unpleasant and you want to jump and shout
Better find a damn big litter box; he don't want to go out"

So when quittin' time it rolls around and you got a powerful thirst
If he ain't your second rhino, then I reckon he's your first
And whether you start rootin' in the whiskey, beer or wine
You'll find drinkin' with that rhino fun as drinkin' turpentine

REPEAT SECOND VERSE AND FADE