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Preface
Many of the following aphorisms, synopses and nuggets of folk wisdom will share common themes, and many of those themes may seem too obvious to warrant proverbs. Before you label the page “redundant,” however, please reflect that the Book of Psalms contains no less than 74 verses saying that pussy is a good thing, and that got into a book with a pretty good sales record. Uncredited proverbs below are LoveWhip originals. Contributions from other sources are noted
If I were dictator of the world my first act would be to forbid Bob Dylan from playing the mouth organ! God, I think he's bad! -- Larry Adler
"That bag was three grams short!" A quote from A.Warner
If you're traveling at the speed of light, what's in your rear view mirror?
This has been a test of the emergency broadcasting system. Had this been an actual emergency, the tone you just heard would have been followed by screams, explosions, and sirens, then an eerie silence.
I used to say that Dangerous Dave here was a fun guy, but then I realized that was plural.
Where would God get a lawyer?
Today's paper contained an article about a one hundred and fifty pound man with seventy-five pound testicles. It made him half nuts.
I don't drive. My ex-wife drove. She drove like lightning. Yes, she was always hitting trees.
Remember when you were a kid, and you'd put your underwear on the dog, and the dog would always run straight to the corner of the yard in your underwear immediately and pee?
You can shit in the dark all you want, but knowing when you've successfully wiped your ass is going to be a problem
In choosing a gift of wine for a blues musician, if it has a silent consonant or more than three syllables in its name, back off
On sale this week only at Amazon.Com -- "Popular Arab Holiday Desserts," three pages, large print
Once a tabloid paper starts running full color photos, you never see the good looking aliens again
The exact night when downtown Wilmington no longer belongd to the artists? I remember it well; I walked into Caffe' Phoenix that night and noticed that all the waitresses had shaved their armpits
I have a recurring nightmare about being stranded on a desert island with a wedding photographer
And let me introduce our drummer, Stretch Perineum ...
Well I’ll be a ring-tailed son of a bitch!
If it walks upright and has opposable thumbs, it probably sucks
Act like a dumb-shit and people will treat you as their equal -- Mark Eyre
Crazy people provide crazy sex, but they never clean up afterwards. That's why you should always keep an old shower curtain liner under your bed, just in case ...
If you take an infinite number of monkeys and give them an infinite number of typewriters, an infinite number of typewriter ribbons, and an infinite number of sheets of paper, half of those monkeys will eventually become pregnant
Committees represent Man's attempt to reproduce asexually
"Religion" is a verbally positive way of saying "prejudice." Proven effective as a defensive weapon for minorities, it has proven just as effective as an offensive weapon for majorities
God is on the side of the strongest battalion -- Napoleon Bonaparte
First come, first cum
The nice thing about bisexual women is that, when they say, “I wouldn’t put my face down there,” it means something
If you set your standards low enough, you can have anything you want – M.D. Smith
Prudence is a rich, ugly old maid courted by Incapacity – William Blake
Alcohol is the “Reality-Based Programming” of narcotics
Who wouldn’t rather be a hammer than a nail?
“There she was, just a walkin’ down the street / Singin’ doo-wah-diddy, diddy-dum, diddy doo” … now that’s the kind of woman I want to bear my children -- Steve Moore
The cost of doing anything is the cost of not doing something else – truism from classical economics
A penny saved is a penny Sterned – high school friends of Jules Stern
Now there’s something I’d reveal my mother’s maiden name to large corporations and government agencies on the Internet for – paraphrased from a comment by P.C. Johnson
"The most rewarding success in life isn't getting dealt a great hand of cards at the start. It's about getting delt a poor hand, but playing it well enough to beat the other bastards anyway." - R. Thomas Smith
If you really admire Jesus that much, then you are welcome to emulate him. By all means, go and die for my sins in the most painful and humiliating fashion you can dream up. There’s a sewage treatment plant north of town, and you can go drown yourself in it
"A good BBQ joint can best be defined by how many miles you're willing to drive to get it." -- from the PBS Barbecue documentary "Fast Times, Slow Food"
"Successful womanizing is a lot like fly-fishing. It's not just the kind of bait you use, but how well you present it." -- Grandpa Chalie Spencer
Maybe the man who has himself for a lawyer has a fool for a client, but he also gets to say, “I object” from the witness stand, which can be pretty damn handy
It is cannibalism for most people to eat mutton
"Vegetarian" in ancient Greek means "lousy hunter" -- Steve Arnold
If you must choose between
two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on
Imagine your contribution here. I’ll post good ‘uns