Yea, verily, a fish stick containing nine eyes will emerge from an aquaculture facility on the Cape Fear River

Whenever three people share interest in a specific product or service, a periodical will come forth to examine it

Hockey players of African-American descent will never have their own periodical

A watched pot will boil

There will come a day when cats evolve pockets for pencils and notepads and shit, and then there's no telling what they'll come up with

Not like those lazy-ass kangaroos

The stoplight joining your neighborhood's primary artery to the major road that takes you to work will never be green when you pull up to it in the morning

George W. Bush will prove conclusively to the American people not only that the Bush family is an official political "dynasty," but also that serving one and only one term as President is an inherited genetic trait

Hark!  In related news, many new forms of transportation will be invented to carry human beings over land, under sea, through the air and across space itself, but a member of the Kennedy family will arise to crash each one

The United States Army Corps of Engineers will ultimately fail in its mission to keep the Mississippi River within its 1953 channels, depths and other natural restrictions

Dave Thompson will die peacefully in his sleep like his grandfather, not screaming in terror like his grandfather's passengers

A musical group will spring forth from a garage and will be named after a particular model of automobile

A message concerning a divine miracle will appear in your e-mail box, followed shortly thereafter by another epistle with the headline, "Hi"

Eddie Haskell and Alice Cooper will never be proved to be the same person

Rod Stewart, Kim Carnes and Tina Turner will appear simultaneously on a stage, yet two of their three microphones will be broken, yet no one will be able to tell which is the working one

If you watch your mailbox long enough, a letter from Publishers Clearinghouse will arrive

A theatre company in your home town will include "A Streetcar Named Desire" in its performance season within three years

If you acquire an infinite number of monkeys and provide them with an infinite number of typewriters, an infinite number of typewriter ribbons and an infinite quantity of paper, half of those monkeys will eventually become pregnant

Although "Apocalypse Now" evolved from Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness, it will not evolve into a successful Broadway musical

The Baneful powers of the West known collectively as television syndication will never ally themselves with reality-based programming

Even if you acquire an infinite number of monkeys and provide them with an infinite number of typewriters, an infinite number of typewriter ribbons and an infinite quantity of papers, they will never type the alphabetic sequence, "There goes the harmonica player's Mercedes Benz"