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Oh man, I am the LoveWhip. I’ve got the pedigree of authenticity. Twenty years ago, I was already divorced. Ten years ago, I was playing the blues at Front Street News. I have been to the mountain, and women I’ve been in love with have rolled huge boulders down at me from the heights above. And it is a bluesman’s solemn duty to reflect back over his own romantic mistakes and try to save others from repeating them. That’s why, thinking over some memories of past loves, I have penned the following advisory sonnet so that those who follow need not scrape that stuff off their shoes quite so often as I have.
Medium Stoptime Swing in F
She may be the sweetest thing you’ve ever seen
But if she got some lithium or thorazine
Be warned, brother be warned, watch out brother, watch out brother watch out
If she’s wild in the sack and you think that you like it
Think how wild she will get trussed up in a straitjacket
Be warned, brother be warned, watch out brother, watch out brother watch out
If you wake up at four and she ain’t in the bunk
And she’s in the yard naked playin’ with garbage can twist ties and pineapple chunks
Be warned, brother be warned, watch out brother, watch out brother watch out
She all the time sayin’ she’s powerful busy
But nothin’ gets done, as far as you kin see
Be warned, brother be warned, watch out brother, watch out brother watch out
So if you tell your baby she is finer than fine
And she starts swinging a chicken leg on a hank of fishin’ line
Be warned, brother be warned, watch out brother, watch out brother watch out
She don’t want her picture on the Internet
And you ain’t figured out why there’s harm in that yet
Be warned, brother be warned, watch out brother, watch out brother watch out
When she threatens to kill Clinton, Albright and Gore
And the Secret Service comes ‘round to your door
When you tell her she looks good in that sweater
And she screams ‘bout how zombies are coming to get her
And you come ‘cross that knife she’s got hid in the bed
You’d be better off sleeping with my Uncle Fred
Be warned, brother be warned, watch out brother, watch out brother watch out
You wake up around midnight surrounded by candles
Give up and realize that she’s too much to handle
Be warned, brother be warned, watch out brother, watch out brother watch out
She lurk in the shadows and hide in the shade
A deal with the devil is the bargain you’ve made
When one day she buys ten kinds of liquor to drink
And the next day, she pours every drop down the sink
When she’s writing bad checks to the Chinese gift shop
And she’s smokin’ up ganja like she’ll never stop
Says she’s meeting at three with agents of the Lord
And you find a meat cleaver stuck in your headboard
Be warned, brother be warned, watch out brother, watch out brother watch out
An anonymous reader wrote in to suggest that the couplet, “If when you leave in the morning, she’s reading The Hobbit / And when you come home, she’s changed her name to Lorena Bobbitt, look out,” be added into the basic ditty …