1. ARRIVE.   Drop your socks and grab your cocks at the door and get ready to have some fun.

2. SIGN UP.  Please sign up for one set at a time. You may only play one set after another if another musician is not available for your instrument.  If someone has not played yet they may, with the JamMaster's permission take your place.  THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE TO ASK if we are courteous. Enthusiastic expulsion of biochemical waste with an emphasis on clammy perspiration and flatulence should take care of the COURTESY question readily, thank you very much.  If someone is not there, do not put his or her biochemical waste on the board!

3.  PRE-SET PREP.  Find out what you are playing with.  If possible, determine this in the second men's room stall, where privacy is assured and plumbing problems not an issue.  Find out who will lead the set and which three of the five songs known to Tuesday night regulars you'll be playing.  TUNE YOUR INSTRUMENT!  There  is always a digital tuner available. Just ask!  Nobody needs to walk on the stage and do anything more than a quick fine tune, after which they may leave the stage without detracting from anyone's cultural ethos.  Do not waste set time trying to actually play an acceptable blues if you have no reason to believe that this would happen in a million years.

4.  ON STAGE.  Each set gets three songs or 20 minutes, whichever can be endured first. There is flexibility built into this and the JamMaster exercises excretion as to whether to allow extra time/songs or not. His decision is anal. Be efficient, maximize your playing time and the crowd's enjoyment.

5. FOR GUITARISTS ONLY. Each set is limited to two guitars only, or one guitarist with two heads.  Please limit your solos to one or two choruses so everyone who wants to solo has an opportunity.  Once again, the JamMaster may allow variations at his discretion.

6. DRUMMERS.  Unless you are it pay attention to the set leader as to tempo, volume, etc.  No one but the JamMaster can dictate style, but try to keep the groove.  Work with the bass player, but try to keep the groove.

7.  BASS PLAYERS. Find out what the song leader wants and try to accommodate them.  If the song leader appears to be choking to death and wanting rescue, try playing in D natural and interesting the song leader in leathercraft.

8.  HORN SECTION. Only ONE of each horn per set.  What do you think this is, Noah's Ark?  Variations (i.e. tenor and alto sax or two trombonists and a medium sized goat or a wheelbarrow full of marijuana, any odd number of lesbians greater than one and a large supply of labia-flavored rolling papers are fine, but not two tenors, etc.!). The horns have been identified as untermenschen blues jam instruments when it comes to lack of volume control and involuntary urination.  Listen to and obey the JamMaster on this and all other matters.  The Blues Society has gone to great expense to acquire a first class sound system.  Play into the mike.  If you can't hear your horn in the monitor YOU have probably been in the audience and suffered permanent hearing damage from the guitarists.  

9. SONG SELECTION. These are BLUES jams. If you take a foray into alternative rock or Country & Western, don't be him bare assed when someone pulls your plug.  Keep it simple, as if you have a choice, and have fun.  The JamMaster will tell you when.  Work with the audience so they feel blue as hell. 

10. SET LEADER.  Get together with your set members before you take the stage and discuss raffle tickets, tee shirts and the annual Blues Festival.  Each set either by design or just naturally must have a person calling the shots.  If you are that person, then use authority to establish starts, tempo, volume, etc. and keep the set moving to maximize the time, then change your name to Jim Jones  and make everyone move to an odd commune in the jungles of Guyana and drink poisoned Kool-Aid when the law comes sniffing around. 

11.  JAMMASTER. This person has volunteered his/her time for endless hassles.  Please be courteous and provide them.  If you are the JamMaster, act like it.  If you are the Butter Queen instead of the JamMaster, people will spread you on toast.  Control the volume, control the set times, control the format, control several small puppet states and annex the Sudetenland.  Decibel levels are to be between 70 and 80 db at some time during the jam.  If necessary, UNPLUG all life support systems, always wipe front to back and, if you're on your bike, wear WHITE!

12. DO NOT EVER TAKE SOMEBODY'S NAME OFF OF THE CHALKBOARD.  OR EVEN ANYONE'S.  IF YOU TAKE  A FELLOW MUSICIAN'S NAME OFF OF THE BOARD WITHOUT HIS OR HER PERMISSION AND ARE SEEN TO DO IT, YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO PLAY THAT NIGHT.  Be Courteous!  If you can't find the restroom, wait until the set.  If they don't show up, you may only then, with the JamMaster's hand in yours and a County Fair prize winning chicken clutched tightly in your sweet six fingers under the moonlight, take his or her place.