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1) PRACTICE
Surf through the different chat rooms until you can click on that adult
disclaimer and enter the "Gettin' Jiggy Wid It" room in under 2.8 seconds.
Familiarize yourself thoroughly with the ongoing rooms and their specific topics.
They can be misleading. As a case in point, one service offers both "Women
Who Love Animals"and "Dog ****ing Women." You'd think that these
two would be more or less interchangeable but with more necessity for cyber
foreplay in the former room, but it isn't that way at all. You'll find that
the first room is full of women who think that they can turn men into animals
without working too hard despite increased lead contents in drinking water sources
and resultant lowered sperm counts in many major American cities, whereas the
second room will be completely filled with men. These subtle differences may
seem trivial now, but will make a crucial difference when you're trying to justify
the expense of scotchguarding your office chair at four tomorrow morning.
2) ALIAS
The nickname you choose can make the difference between a full mail box
and an echoing daily reminder that you're a cyber-loser. Since chat rooms have
been with us for a while, a lot of the good names are already taken. You can,
however, see one that you like in Yahoo chat, for example, and just steal it
for use at Geocities or AOL. It is true that this will inevitably lead to complete
strangers trying to strike up embarrassing conversations with one another later
when they start surfing a variety of chat services, but the key phrase to remember
here is "with one another." It will have nothing to do with you.
No matter how strong the temptation may be, don't choose a name that screams
out, "I dare you to chat with me." Monikers to avoid include "IQ4,"
"JarHeadDrunk," "WhaDisButtonDo" and "BruceNSpurs." JustWentSpooey,"
while graceful and evocative in some ways, holds less aesthetic appeal for chat
partners in search of traditional adult rewards than one might initially suspect.
3) OTHER ALIASES
Repeat step 2 several times. Think of all the rooms that have looked interesting
to you and create a moniker tailored for each. "NubVet" may be
fine for the room called "Still on Ho Chi Minh's Trail," but will attract
little response in the inevitable "Walks on the Beach" chat site, a ubiquitous
stain across all gregarious cyber communities. IMPORTANT TIP: To receive the
maximum number of private messages in adult chat rooms, proclaim yourself in
a profile to be a space alien possessed of three penises (except during the
molt).
If you're seeking more intellectual stimulation, take the time to design
a whole new set of genitalia for the life forms of your home planet and then
offer to interact with eager earthling chatters. You'll find the chat rooms
at www.natinquirer.com most receptive to this approach, though there will inevitably
be offers from Elvis to insert a jelly donut in your shiny new twomblozu from
Planet Zingbar.
4) CHARACTER RECOGNITION
As a rule, basic behavioral patterns in adult chat rooms are limited in
number. Learn to recognize the types, as you would in a real social setting
or an introductory biology course. Once you categorize your associates, it
will be easier to deal with them in a way pleasing for all concerned. Or at
least for you.
There are the silent vultures; those who wait for any new name to enter
and then swoop down in a private message and ask, "m or f?" These people do
not realize that they are making the same impression they would make asking
a stranger the same question as a singles bar icebreaker. Their legitimate prey
is the large group of walking dead who list gender as "neuter" in profiles before
coming to sex chat rooms.
There are the minors. If you want to have adult chat with them, be reminded
that it's still cheaper to buy a set of sturdy wire cutters for the playground
fence and bury yourself in the sandbox until your soul mate comes along than
to buy a zippy, net-ready computer.
There are the moralizing, self-proclaimed cyber-nannies who go into the
"Pass Me That Towel" room with both eyes open and then complain about
the language they find there. There are also the subtle masochists who take
on cyber nanny personas in search of verbal abuse. These are interchangeable
types and not worth many keystrokes. Just say, "Buddy, if you paint a big red
circle on your ass and bend over in the pasture, you will eventually find a
bull horn in your rectum," and then go on your way in peace.
There are the Watchers. Cool, mysterious beings from beyond the stars with
large, gelatinous cerebellums and durable, titanium scrolls for the recording
of their impressions, these beings can sometimes be enticed into erotic chat,
but reciprocity is not their strong suit.
There are the solitary drinkers. Noted for frequent references to Budweiser
and Jack Daniels when they are in fact drinking Pabst and cleaning fluids, these
cyber wretches are good for very little. They will not leave the main chat
area, but will often try to interject mindless truisms and infantile jokes into
your preliminary pitch to likelier partners. They are the crab lice of the
cyber sex community.
There is the "Hey, Homey" crowd, easily identified by their constant querying,
"Any babes from Colorado out there?" Steer clear of these people, for they
just don't get it. When one is in the "Yes, Daddy, I'll be Good" room
at Juno trying to get some young nubile to sniff her finger and then describe
to you what it smells like, it doesn't matter one damn bit whether she's in
the apartment next door or perched precariously on the craggy brow of Lincoln
at Mount Rushmore as long as you've got a good connection and she can express
herself articulately and type quickly. That's all that matters. If
your wristwatch is in the shop, you don't go up to a stranger and ask what time
it is in the southern hemisphere of Saturn. Asking possible cyber-jack partners
equally irrelevant questions is equally pointless. Laugh at the "Hey, Homey"
crowd and avoid them, especially if they're looking for playmates from New Jersey.
Finally, there are the serious seekers of adult cyber entertainment, representing
on a good day as much as ten percent of the population. Try to find someone
who's just gotten back on-line after being disconnected right on the verge of
climax. This is the person who will make most efficient use of your time.
5) MAKING THE BEST OF IT
The main chat area is usually underutilized. The dialog box is often just
a scrolling pattern -- "BCD entered the room ... FGH left the room ... JKL entered
the room ... PQR left the room ..." This is boring to all and particularly depressing
to those who enjoy vowels. Attempting to liven things up in the chat room is
both a gracious social gesture and a chance to demonstrate your witty repartee
and typing speed for potential cyber partners. With sufficient RAM to keep your
word processor operating in the background, you can write out your repartee
in advance and, using simple cut-and-paste procedures, mislead prospective private
chat partners about your typing abilities and astute commentary. This is the
cyber equivalent of stuffing a sock in your trousers and wearing a lot of cubit
zirconium jewelry to a real singles bar, and I think you should consider it.
An effective icebreaker announcement in a general adult chat room for me
has been,"Sometimes I like the humiliation and pain route. Just last week,
my girlfriend made me stand on a bench at the mall and recite all the words
to "Patches." As in real life social situations, an ineffective icebreaker
is, "I seem to have something on my shoe." Don't underestimate the joy
a roomful of adult chatters can find in cyber-singalong. Encourage others in
the room to repeat after you, one line at a time, "My baby run off with the
bus driver / and it make me want to fight / My baby run off with the bus driver
/ And it make me want to fight / He used to give her rides in the daytime / Now
she give him rides at night." "Strokin'" also comes to mind as a
good singalong for adult chat rooms, and I confess to a prejudicial fondness
and advocacy for "Minnie The Moocher," "What'd I Say" and "Banana
Boat Song."
6) LIES
Last but not least, always lie about your age and other significant
physiological characteristics in your profile. Everyone out there is a Goldilocks,
and you're going to be too hot or too cold or too young or too small or too
something, no matter what. If you tell the truth, you'll end up offended and
insecure, leading to gradual decline into the gutter and a series of sordid,
petty crimes. You'll end your days licking spots from the walls of your room
at the asylum. However, if you use your own inherent sensitivity and lie from
the start about the traits that may be subjectively judged imperfect by cyber
shoppers to whom you expose your wares, big deal.
7) SUMMATION
Friends, the lessons I have learned about adult chat rooms have come only
with large outlays of sweat, toil, frustration and pain, and I suggest that
if you go to that room you avoid following the instructions of Mistress Darvula.
By following the advice I've laid out above, however, I think you'll soon find
yourself drumming your heels rapidly on the floor in pleasure to such an extent
that your neighbors curse you and circulate petitions. And that, after all,
is what it's all about.
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