Arthur Shuey’s apartment

$600 per night for deluxe suite w/fireplaces, Godiva mint on pillow, shiatsu massage mattress, bathtub shaped like your favorite Disney character

$450 per night and you can crash on the futon in the living room, but after you start snorting up a bunch of coke and meth, you’re not going to sleep anyway, so why pay a premium for all that shit in the first place?!

2.5 minutes by limo from Palm Springs airport

2.5 minutes on foot from two or three likely sources of methamphetamines and cocaine

Convenient access to Givenchy Spa, horseback riding, bicycling, mountain climbing, Olympic pool

I don’t have all that shit, but hey, I’ll betcha mountain climbing and crack don’t really mix well in the first place.  Come to think of it, you can ride my bicycle for awhile if you’re hell bent on it

Lots of gardeners and kitchen help speaking Spanish, which, after a few lines of meth, sounds like they’re all chanting, “A waffle, a waffle, a waffle, caramba”

Calm, relaxed Southern accents.  No gardeners or kitchen help at all, but there’s a florist next door if you’re really feeling gregarious about garden-related chat

Named after Merv Griffin, the height of whose hipness was having Bobby Sherman as a guest on his show in 1973 to explain to viewers at home what the peace symbol looked like and meant and then to sing “Julie, Julie, Julie, Do You Love Me.”  Muthahfuckin’ Bobby Sherman, for Christ’s sake!

Merv Griffin Ranch, my ass!  That motherfucker was so boring; his ranch must be where they do research on goddam bovine narcolepsy.  Merv Griffin can kiss my ass.

Named after Arthur ‘LoveWhip’ Shuey, after whose passing the ‘hot glazed’ light at Krispy Kreme comes on every time

Running around all coked up in that Wonder Woman costume disturbs older celebrity guests, especially that big ol’ gal, whatshername, that used to play Wonder Woman on TV

The cats don’t give a damn, and for $450 a night, I'm not complaining about vacuuming a few goddam sequins off the rug.  Hell, R.D., you get all tooted up and put that thing on, and after a few drinks I might decide it’s a good idea to drag your ass downtown and turn you loose in the middle of one of those goddam poetry readings at Water Street, just like Stuart Benson did with the armadillo he’d spray painted Day-Glo orange that time

Social opportunities in the surrounding community include other druggie Hollywood types, nudie bars and the sleazy dope dealers who hang out there

Your host, Arthur ‘LoveWhip’ Shuey, will graciously hang out with you in person for awhile between taking your nightly accommodations fee to the liquor store and taking the change and most of the liquor down the street to see if any friends are home, and the cats will wake you up early in the morning in hopes of being fed.  Between those two social engagements, talk to yourself like a good dopehead and don’t fuck with the cats or I’ll have to kick your ass

Swarming with paparazzi

Cocksucker in the next block got the shit beat out of him and his camera stolen just last week