Seattle Initiates

Pit Bull Buyback Program

In the wake of last month’s accidental mauling, rending, throat ripping, jugular chewing, tendon severing and bone crunching of an elderly woman by two trained attack dogs owned by prominent area attorneys, the City of Seattle has begun an experimental pit bull buyback program.  Based closely on the unsuccessful gun buyback programs long ago shitcanned in embarrassment by Boston and other communities, the Seattle program pays $50.00 for each pit bull turned in at any one of several collection points set up around the city.  As in the case of firearms collected in gun buyback programs, the dogs are to be taken to a central processing station, dumped en masse into industrial compacting machines and burned.  The resultant nutrient-rich ash will be used as fertilizer in wildlife sanctuaries throughout Washington State.

“Our neighbor incited the dogs,” merrily expounded Jan Chauncey, owner of the murderous mutts whose savage killing of the woman next door sparked the program.  “Every time I pulled them off of her, she continued to spray blood from various wounds, which of course made the poor puppies nervous.”  Responding on behalf of the late Cremona Feldspar, a newly formed citizens’ action group commented only, “To the castle!  To the castle!  Burn the monster!”

During the buyback program’s inception period, persons turning in dogs will be required to present proof of handgun ownership in order to collect the $50.00 incentive reward, show officials indicate that this stipulation may be waived when they run out of leftover gun buypack forms contributed by the City of Boston.  “BuyBark,” the non-profit organization behind the program, has applied for a grant to develop compensation criteria for breeds other than pit bulls, and it has been proposed that rewards begin at $.87 for chihuahuas and rise to $60.00 for chows, though age and its associated factors – number of teeth, eyesight, arthritis, etc. – may enter into a final compensation formula.

For more information, contact L.C. Gohome, Exectutive Director, BuyBark, P.O. Box XK9, Seattle, WA, 91402.