West Big Wally, OK

(originally printed in Encore Magazine 11/24/88)

Having abandoned the pastoral splendors and longhorn hood ornaments, of America's heartland some years back in favor of East Coast decadence, I often experience difficulty while trying to select appropriate Christmas gifts for the relatives back in West Big Wally, Oklahoma. Having done my damnedest to forget the perspective of my hometown, I feel as underqualified to shop for Aunt Tyner, cousins Ruby, Wendell, Bud, Little Bill, Edna and the rest of the clan as I know they are to shop for me when, I unwrap their packages every Christmas; morning. Last Thursday night, however, I fell asleep with the radio on and woke up with an answer to my annual dilemma.

It's a funny thing — I don't remember having any dreams about shopping, but I woke up with the brilliant inspiration of purchasing subliminal message tapes as Christmas gifts for the folks.

For persons who haven't yet entered the New Age, bought CD players and discovered the healing power of crystals, subliminal message tapes are recorded motivational/instructional lessons made to play while the earnest student sleeps. The operating theory is that the sleeper's mind will absorb lessons into the subconscious through a process of osmosis — about the same way most of us mastered high school geometry. Popular themes include losing weight, stopping smoking, staying young, and the joys of sobriety.

Although convinced that these novel learning devices would make ideal gifts for the folks back home, I had to recognize the fact that the "in crowd" in West Big Wally, Oklahoma, as in many of our nation's smaller markets, is made up largely of tipsy, overweight, bluehaired smokestacks, and that favorite cousins Emily and Donate would shy away from anything that might bring about losing weight, stopping smoking, staying young, or the joys of sobriety. New Age meditation over some family snapshots convinced me that the following tape themes would be most appropriate for West Big Wallyers:

Diesel Engine Repair: Little Webb

Deep Frying For Fun and Profit: Frieda Jane

Skeet Shooting: Aunt Tyner

Steer Wrestling: Lloydella Beth

Skeet Wrestling: Beth Lloydella

Steer Shooting: Jesse

Pasture Walking With Dignity and Charm: Emil

Indoor Whittling: DoaRetha

Finding Ashtrays: Burris T'Home

Eating With Utensils: Newt

Choosing Your Child's Name: Parents of Above

Surprisingly, these titles are not in the subliminal message Top Ten. A New Age retail clerk tried to convince me in soothing tones that active skills such as engine repair might best be attained a) while awake, and b) by persons born under the sign of Capricorn, with a moon in Sears Roebuck or some such place. He then tried to interest me in some popular motivational /instructional cassettes which "would be far more conducive to nocturnal transmission," as he put it. As I listened to Zinjab the Calm, Serene Prince of Adenoidal yet Balanced Sales Assistants cooing over the benefits of this somnosession or that, I began to suspect that the whole miracle improvement osmosis tape thing might not be based on sound scientific principles.

My suspicions were first raised, I think, upon seeing a learnwhileyousleep course guaranteed to cure insomnia. How does this work? One aisle down was a tape that would take off pounds while you dream of your favorite dishes. If a cassette can increase caloric burn rate as one sleeps, then why could it not teach Advanced Rodeo, or, for that matter, Advanced Neurosurgery? Several motivational tape companies offered "Staying Young" tapes... What do they do, disconnect the calendar part of your digital alarm clock? If one plays this tape too often, does age actually regress? Examining the tape package for some sort of product rationale, an image formed of a satisfied customer writing— "Dear New Age Staying Young Subliminal Tape Manufacturer: Your product really, really works. After only five nights of use, I awoke with the mind of a tenyear old."

That kind of help, the folks in West Big Wally don't need, and so l left Crystal Carl's Tranquility, Granola and Motivational/Instructional Tape Shop and went across the mall to Record Rack, where I knew that I could find the perfect subliminal message cassettes for the folks back home.

"Dear Aunt Tyner: Knowing how fond you are of the Oak Ridge Boys..."

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