The following quick somethings stay on file in my songbook against need -- PEPTICON - It can happen to you. General malaise, low grade fever, itchy watery eyes, loss of appetite, nausea and bad taste in the mouth, sore feeling in lower bowels, unusual discharge, impaired general health, sharp pain in region of kidneys, backache, dull pain in small of back, dragging sensation in the groin, timid, nervous and restless feeling, dread of impending evil, irritability, hysterics, sleeplessness, morbidity and the blues, and fainting spells. When it does happen to you, try Pepticon, the patent medicine of the gods. Pepticon, Pepticon, sho' is good / you can get it anyplace in your neighborhood. Pepticon is a carefully blended mixture of sodium bicarbonate, powdered rhubarb, gentian root, blue cohosh, capsicum, ipecac, willow charcoal, black haw, hydro-alcoholic menstruum, sugar, cactus gradiflorus, digitalis, iron pyrophosphate, caffeine, celery seed, liquid malt extract, senna, couch grass, Rochelle salts, coca leaves, corn silk, potassium iodine, burdock root, golden seal, marigold, valerian, gotu kola, camomile, ginger, and extract of queen's root, in a port wine base. Good for all the symptoms above when taken internally, and is a good topical remedy for pimples, blackheads, freckles, sallowness, roughness, wrinkles, sunburn, poison oak, superfluous body hair, the venom of most poisonous reptiles and insects, and many fabric stains. Pepticon, pepticon, sho' is good / You can get it anyplace in your neighborhood HUSBAND'S AWAY ON BUSINESS CHEWING GUM -- Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight? You've heard the question a thousand times, but never gotten the correct answer until now. The correct answer is -- Do what the boys in the band do -- Sleep in a different bed every night, and try "Husband's Away on Business" chewing gum. Spicy, satisfying, and with that added fillip of danger. Maybe the meeting was cancelled, or Dubuque was snowed in, or, for some other reason, the husband's coming home early, giving you the added pleasure of jumping out of a window, twisting your ankle, running through a clothesline and being bitten by a neighbor's Boston terrier, as happened to me just this morning. Try "Husband's Away on Business" chewing gum, available on fine bedposts nationwide HUSBAND'S AWAY GUM, II -- Does you chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight? Well, do what the boys in the band do -- sleep in a different bed every night and try "Husband's Away on Business" chewing gum. So good, so exotic, so memorable. Husband's Away on Business" chewing gum contains a special mixture of herbs and spices that creates paranoiac illusions. You'll think that you hear another man walking up the stairs with a heavy tread and announcing, "Honey, I'm home," in a husky voice. Scant hours after chewing "Husband's Away on Business" chewing gum, you'll imagine your bed partner suddenly waking up and saying, "Please don't tell me that this is Wednesday." Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight? Take it from the boys in the band. Take it from husbands everywhere. Try the exciting, different experience of "Husband's Away on Business" chewing gum tonight. MOTT'S BOTTLE -- Friends, the band has some advice for you about what to do with a rainy, lonely afternoon. It involves only an empty Mott's apple juice bottle, three sheets of Kleenex and a match to light them with, a rocking chair and your own body parts, and it will drown out the hammering of hail on a tin roof with the sound of your own heels drumming against the floor in pleasure, and Dave over here on my right will explain the whole thing to you with this next song. BIG MAMA SIDEMEAT'S SEAT SHACK ADVERTISEMENT -- Hello, folks. Let me ask you a personal question about that thing you're sitting on. Are you comfortable? Are you satisfied? Would you offer it to the person you're sitting next to? How about the person you care most about? Most of you will have answered at least one of these questions with a resounding "No," but Big Mama Sidemeat always says "Yes." Bring it on down to Big Mama Sidemeat's Seat Shack, where the Motto is, "If we can't sell it, we'll just keep sittin' on it." Great legs, backs that will support you or your loved ones for as long as you want, luxurious, springy bottoms, chairs beyond compare. Come to Big Mama Sidemeat's Seat Shack, 17 Blacktop Alley today for the best seat in the house ... Because, as Big Mama herself has said for decades, "If we can't sell it, we'll just keep sittin' on it." MUD -- Hey, hey, Uncle Bud, it's a treat to beat your feet on the Mississippi mud. It sure is, Jim. There are few pleasures in life that match the feeling of Ol' Man River's heavy load between your toes, according to prominent Mississippi scientists. Boy, there are times when I'm just sitting there in my rocking chair wishing more than anything to be flapping my dogs somewhat mindlessly on the Mississippi mud. Now, as one of the growing number of benefits of I-40, you can have a seventeen inch square pan of authentic Mississippi mud delivered to your door before you can say, "Hookworm" by sending $29.95 to Uncle Bud Enterprises, P.O. Box 943, Tutwiler, Mississippi, 38602. Hey, Hey, Uncle Bud, it's a treat to beat your feet on the Mississippi mud. GOOBER BUICK -- Hidey-hi there, friends and neighbors. L. Monte Slim here to tell you about the great deals at Goober Buick, just up the creek on the paved patch in Clinton, where most of our customers eat collards daily. I was in one of those cars the other day, not driving or anything, don't be scared, no indeed, I was just eating my lunch in the parking lot at Goober Buick, where most of the customers eat collards daily. I was not eating collards myself, but that's beside the point. The point is, and folks, I'm here to tell you that I've been in cars before, but that was a pretty nice car there at Goober Buick. Carpet, no leaks that I could see in the roof or floor, had a radio that looked like it probably worked, seat covers weren't all worn out from old fat women in stiff fabrics sliding across them like so many car seat covers in small towns are. Seemed like a pretty good car to me, and I looked around, and gosh all hogfat, there were some other cars there at Goober Buick on the paved patch in Clinton that were prettier than last year's prom queen from over in Navassa with lizards on her ears and a county fair prize chicken clutched tight in her sweet six fingers in the moonlight. So if you want to look at some cars, head right up the creek to the paved patch in Clinton, to Goober Buick, where most of our customers eat collards daily. TRANSLATOR FOR TONGUES -- Part time opening, Sundays, 9am - noon. Immediate opening at the First Purchase Dunk-'em-'Til-They-Choke Waters of Jordan Temple Tent Ministry for the Cerebrally Challenged for a translator. Must be able to lucidly interpret congregation members while they speak in tongues. Rabies immunity and ability to heal quickly after spasmic flailing and kicks will be useful in this position. Protective headgear available at the ministry except when it's being used as an offertory vessel. Apply at the First Purchase Dunk-'em-'Til-They Choke Waters of Jordan Temple Tent Ministry for the Cerebrally Challenged before the end of the month ... or before the Second Coming, whichever comes first. BLINDERS TOOTHPASTE -- Whoa, what was that?! That blinding flash! Has the SUNY Point Terminal exploded? Has there been an accident at the Brunswick Nuclear Plant? No, Jim, that's just one of our patrons who's used "Blinders," the only toothpaste that contains Solium," the cleansing agent from the sun. Gets your teeth too bright to get dates and too bright to smile in a movie theater without having people throw popcorn and curse you, but extremely handy for signalling distant aircraft, and oh so useful during foggy evening strolls. So try "Blinders," the only toothpaste that contains "Solium," the cleansing agent from the sun. THIS MORNING'S WEATHER --Hello. This is Willard Scott checking in from Washington, D.C. for Smuckers preserves, and speaking of well-preserved smuckers, here's lovely Lucy Belle Buttkaufer of Satellite Beach, Florida, 109 years old today. Lucy Belle worked a pushcart in Indianapolis for seventy years selling mismatched socks, a trade she learned from her father, a disabled Civil War veteran she remembers best for his large beard and penchant for buggery. Lucy Belle enjoys dominos and canasta, and she can still get those trim 109-year old ankles up over her head when Big Willard comes to town ... |
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